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When do you think a woman becomes
a mom? When she gets the positive lines on the test kit? When she feels the
first kicks of the baby? When she gives birth? Is it that moment when she sees
the baby for the first time?
As a first time mommy-to-be I was,
till a very long time, (throughout the pregnancy) not quite overwhelmed with
the fact that I was having a baby. I was doing loads of things together.
Working from home, looking after myself, shifting temporarily to my hometown and
god knows what all had kept my mind busy. I did talk to my unborn baby, thought
whether I should chose a boy’s name or a girl’s name. It was not even after my
dad told me that the operation was over and I have a son that I got that mom kind of feeling inside me. [BTW, my dad’s a surgeon and he was in the OT while I had my
c-sec].
Am I weird? Was I going to be a
bad mom? Why wasn't I still overwhelmed with the fact that I had a baby, a
healthy bonny son with a wonderful birth weight and head full of long black
hair? Am I not normal? Wasn’t the chubby cheeks enough to melt me?
I was asked this question by a
lot of people (family and friends) once I was back from the hospital, how is it
to be a mom now? My answer used to be a small smile. Because I didn’t know what
to say! Yes I was happy inside… but isn’t it quite normal to have a baby once
you have decided to plan a family?
There was something working
inside me since day three of Bluey’s birth. (That’s what I call my bub). Since
I had my C-Sec under general anesthesia my body couldn’t produce breast milk
for 72 hours! Yeah that’s a long time. And I myself was too worked up with the
pain and couldn’t think much. I had little relief in my head that there’s a
nursery where trained nurses are looking after my baby and feeding him top feed
whenever he’s hungry.
When I was back home with my baby
the biggest challenge I felt was how to feed him. He wouldn’t latch nor would
he try to feed. He cried, he howled, he was hungry. Everyone was up on their
toes in boiling water, mixing formula doing whatever they could do to pacify
him. But the only thing in my mind was – my baby is HUNGRY!
This is the most brutal pain, a
pain that I cannot explain. This is the moment when I became a mother. Troubles
of pregnancy, pain of C-Sec, post operative pain all seemed quite easy. But to
see your baby cry because of hunger is the hardest. These are desperate times
when you don’t know what you will do and you are willing to do everything in
your hands to satisfy the hunger of the little baby.
Day after day I tried to feed my
baby. But he wouldn’t take in any feed. I sent desperate messages to friends,
cousins with young kids for help. I prayed, took medicines myself, I did
everything but I could hardly make the situation different. There were days
when I had meltdowns, I cried along with the baby. A majority of friends and
family discouraged formula feed but I couldn’t let my baby cry of hunger. I was
dying in guilt every time I prepared a bottle of formula. I cursed myself, I
thought I was failing as a mother. The only big support I got was in my dad. He
said just one thing – feed without a guilt, at least he’ll not sleep hungry.
Yes, it’s not easy being a
mother. You are the ultimate care provider and have myriad emotions and
thoughts. Mothers tell me when did you feel you have become a mom?
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